Hello All..
Well, I have rekindled part of my (awesome) nerdy self, and decided to make this blog. After realizing what a rough year many of my first and second year teachers are having.. I thought maybe if I wrote and vented on my own struggles and triumph, it can help us all! Or at least give you something else to do while you are procrastinating what you need to do :)
Having always wanted to be a teacher, I felt that graduating college and getting hired on into my first teaching gig was going to be a goal accomplished, a new door opened, and deep down a dream come true. It is something I have worked harder than most people know to accomplish. Now this being said, I had heard that the first year is difficult. I also knew the school I was walking into is one that can be rough. However, my stubborn, STUBBORN self thought.. "I didn't grow up priviledged myself. I am smart and capable. I have two degrees! I am kind but have a quick temper and smart mouth when it comes to disrespect and poor behavior. Everything will be just fine...."
....little did I know...
And in many ways it is fine. But in many other ways I have had my mind and behind booted all across that school! (Just being honest here..) All of my closest friends have seen me cry, gripe, be angry, be determined, be depressed, be overjoyed, on and on and on. I have had students curse at me, belittle me, burn my things, carve and tag my tables, POOP ON THE FLOOR, I have broken up fights, seen my students on drugs, helped a student with cancer, helped them move on from rape, abuse, on and on and on. I have also had my students laugh with (and at) me, hug me, bring me my coffee cup a million times when I lose it, lean on me, and learn from me.
In return, I have become tougher. I am finally learning a balance between kindness and strict follow through, as opposed to lashing out at my students. It was this week when one of my students that I've helped all year (he confessed he was living on top of a car) asked me through his tears "Ms. L, what do I do?". That I realized that I finally am becoming a teacher to them. It meant the world to me.
At the same time, I don't know how veteran teachers deal with the exhaustion, the huge demands, the never ending to do lists, the general struggle. I have rarely felt more emotionally exhausted. More concerned for society's well being. Never have I questioned so much how big a role I can really play in helping people like I want. I think I am learning one day at a time, but sometimes I often wonder what I am doing, is this what I'm meant to do.. Am I made for this? Or is this (hopefully) just the first year blues?
